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Christie Forced Out of G.O.P. Race by Empathy Scandal 20 Aug 2013 | 07:22 pm
TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie withdrew from consideration as a Presidential candidate today after becoming embroiled in what a leading Republican strategist called “a ca...
Amazon Founder Says He Clicked on Washington Post by Mistake 6 Aug 2013 | 10:00 am
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon.com, told reporters today that his reported purchase of the Washington Post was a “gigantic mix-up,” explaining that he had clicked on t...
Boehner Urges Republicans to Rest Up for Meaningless Votes Ahead 5 Aug 2013 | 09:31 pm
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As House Republicans began their five-week summer vacation, their leader, House Speaker John Boehner, urged them to rest up for “the many symbolic and meaningless vote...
Scalia Offers to Help Pope Judge Gays 30 Jul 2013 | 11:47 pm
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to Pope Francis’s suggestion that the Pope is not capable of judging gays, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia contacted the Vatican today to say that he w...
Weiner Names New Campaign Manager 29 Jul 2013 | 11:00 pm
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—One day after his campaign manager quit, the mayoral candidate Anthony D. Weiner named his penis to the post, telling reporters, “He was already making most of the major...
Weiner Continues Sexting During Apology 24 Jul 2013 | 04:25 am
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner stirred controversy today by continuing to send dirty texts throughout a press conference devoted to apologizing for his b...
Opponents of Stand Your Ground Propose New Law, Don’t Shoot Me for Absolutely No Reason 22 Jul 2013 | 06:37 pm
TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Opponents of Florida’s Stand Your Ground law are attempting to mobilize support for a new law called Don’t Shoot Me for Absolutely No Reason. The proposed law, which...
Queen Elizabeth Rips Chris Christie on Gay Marriage 18 Jul 2013 | 01:59 am
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after approving a new law legalizing gay marriage in England and Wales, Queen Elizabeth II of Britain unleashed a blistering attack on New Jersey Governor Chris Ch...
Florida Considers Eliminating Laws Altogether 16 Jul 2013 | 03:23 am
TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that its current system of laws is out of step with life in today’s Florida, a growing chorus of lawmakers in the state are arguing for a measure that would e...
Texas Weighs Ban on Women 11 Jul 2013 | 11:34 pm
AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Republican lawmakers in the Texas State Senate are proposing a precedent-setting new bill that would make it illegal for women to live in the state. Senator Harland Dorri...
